Furlough

I’ve thought a lot about whether I should post this, but it’s felt like this weird mist has been hanging over me for the last week or so, and it seemed like to the best way to get it off my chest.

I’ve been furloughed. A word which didn’t even really exist before 2020. And I currently don’t know how I feel, because I’m feeling all the feelings at the same time.

If you missed it, furlough has been introduced for businesses who are struggling as a result of Covid-19, where the government will pay 80% of an employee’s salary. We’re expected to be grateful - and I am, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a fan of this government by any means but am so glad they’re providing some support for businesses (of course, nobody knows where the money is coming from, but that’s not what this post is about).

But all in all, it’s not about the money for me. I’m worried about letting our beneficiaries down. That people will start to think that my organisation doesn’t care about them.
Also, for someone who goes through severe boughts of imposter syndrome being told that you’re one of few in your department who aren’t needed doesn’t help. The staff who are being kept on are working so hard in order to fill gaps, but life goes on and they’re managing, in fact, they’re doing a stirling job.

We’re constantly told that it’s not just us, and all organisations are going through this - as if that’s supposed to make us feel better. As if reducing our self-indulgent concerns will make us feel okay again. As if being told that this is the only way that a company will survive will make it hurt any less. As if knowing that it’s not just our jobs at risk will make it fine.

Scared. I’m scared that after spending years trying to build this career for myself, I can be removed from the equation and suddenly everyone sees that there was no need for me to be there all along. I’m scared that if I lose my job, I won’t get another one because there will be so many in the same position. I’m scared that this blog post will come across selfish. But none of this makes what’s going on any less valid.

Guilt. I’ve tried to make the most of a bad situation and I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve quite enjoyed having a bit more time on my hands to delve into new hobbies. I’m lucky that I’ve never had to be off work without plans before, and it’s been nice to ring my friends for a chat during the daytime, and share what everyone has been up to.

If your company is going through a furlough process at the moment, I see you. Everyone will be having different reactions to the situation but I suspect that there will be a lot of similarities in how we’re all feeling. Remember, your feelings are valid and things will turn out okay in the end.